Call Me Never
by thelilacfield
Summary: "Would this have anything to do with the Cheerio who auditioned this afternoon? The one who sang Call Me Maybe while looking straight at your boyfriend, and looked confused when Brittany and Sam physically restrained you to stop you from leaping onto the stage and killing her."


Inspired by the inevitable fact that Glee will end up covering that infamous song, and my own personal giggle-worthy headcanon that some oblivious new girl will sing it to Blaine.

Blink-and-you'll-miss-it spoilers for Season 4 casting and the general idea of Kurt coming back to assist Schuester.

* * *

Call Me Never

"One day, and we have three new members!" Mr. Schuester - _Will, call him __**Will**_ Kurt reminds himself internally - says triumphantly, crossing the new members from the list of twenty-nine hopefuls they had at the start of the day. "Tomorrow we can see the other fourteen and hopefully get more than just the two we need to qualify for competitions."

"I'm glad to have been of service," Kurt says finally, dusting the chalk dust that goes with the territory of spending hours in a classroom from his hands and making to leave. "Even if I didn't help very much."

"Kurt, you may not have had many solos, but you were one of the best-known members of glee club," Mr. Schuester - _**Will**_ _- _says, perhaps a little tactlessly. "Having you around is making more people want to audition. So many people, we're having to curtail the tradition of letting anyone who auditions into the group."

"Well, I heard a rumour that one Sebastian Smythe wants to transfer here and join the New Directions," Tina puts in from where she's sitting patiently waiting for Kurt to be done so he can give her a lift home. Unfortunately for her, suddenly only having Artie, Sam and Blaine to drive her around is problematic when Kurt gives two of those three a lift and Artie has a doctor's appointment. "Just so you know, Mr. Schue, we won't even be letting him set foot in our auditorium before we smack him down."

"Okay, Kurt, I think we're done here," Mr. Schu-_ Will_ finally says. "I look forward to seeing you again tomorrow for another fun-filled hour of hopeful auditionees." He winks and Kurt manages a tight smile back before he grabs Tina by the elbow and drags her out of the room.

"Well, someone's in a bad mood," Tina observes, most astutely. "Would this have anything to do with the Cheerio who auditioned this afternoon? The one who sang _Call Me Maybe_ while looking straight at your boyfriend, and looked confused when Brittany and Sam physically restrained you to stop you from leaping onto the stage and killing her."

"I wouldn't have killed her," Kurt argues haughtily, affecting a disdainful air. He smirks at Tina as he continues, "Ripped out her obviously dyed hair, maybe. She wouldn't have missed it. What was her name again?"

"It was Dakota Freeman, and you really need to stop taking your bitchy pill in the morning," Tina advises as they wander through the empty corridors, a mark of how late Kurt was kept by Mr- _Will_, and his absurd refusal to cast aside a hopeful auditionee before the film of their performance had been fully analysed. "You're a teacher here now," at Kurt's raised eyebrow, she sighs heavily and corrects herself, "fine, _voluntary assistant_, and you must behave as such. No more bitchy teenage Kurt Hummel. It's not like Blaine would ever leave you anyway, especially not for an ankle-less freak like her." She giggles and says, "Well, I said you couldn't be bitchy anymore, I didn't say I wouldn't be."

"You're lucky I'm not a real teacher, or you'd be in detention for that, Ms. Cohen-Chang," Kurt says haughtily, the naughty grin on his face belying his stern tone. "You know, you should really think about learning to drive, now there aren't so many people to mooch lifts off. Even Joe can get himself around, on his bike."

"Sugar doesn't get herself around," Tina protests pathetically. "Sugar has a private car and a driver named Al who answers to her every whim, including a disco ball in the limo."

"Yes, well, Sugar is _Sugar_, and she is the heiress to the Motta Pianos fortune," Kurt points out fairly. "Where is Sugar, anyway?"

"Cheerios auditions," comes a voice to their right, and both of them turn as one to find Blaine lounging casually against the lockers, hair plastered to his head from the showers. "It was to be expected, she always struck me as the cheerleader type, and the top spot has opened up since Santana graduated. I was boxing with Jake Puckerman and it seems everyone I could mooch a lift off has left. Can I get a ride with you two?"

"Of course you can, honey," Kurt answers sweetly, ignoring Tina's pretending to gag at the pet name. "Do you want to come back to my place for dinner? Carole's still making enough for me, Sam and Finn, and even after football Sam doesn't eat as much as Finn did on a perfectly normal night."

"I can't, sweetheart, sorry," Blaine says, actually looking disappointed. "Cooper promised to Skype me tonight, I haven't talked to him for two months, and Nat's got a new boyfriend coming to meet Dad, I can't miss his intimidation routine."

"God, I remember that," Kurt says, shuddering at the memory. "Your father is terrifying. He didn't even need to threaten me with a shotgun like my dad did to you before I was practically promising to marry you."

"Ankle-less freak cheerleader at twelve o'clock," Tina mutters, and Kurt turns to see Dakota Freeman sashaying down the corridor towards them, smile pinned on her face and eyes focused on Blaine.

"Tina," he says, pulling his keys out of his back pocket, "go wait in the car. I'm parked near the gates. I have a bone or two to pick with Ms. Freeman."

"Keep a lid on the bitchiness, we don't need to scare off a new member because our voluntary assistant is freaking terrifying," Tina says sternly before she rushes to get out of the way before the fireworks start.

"She gave me her number after her audition," Blaine confides softly as Dakota walks deliberately towards them, not even flinching when Kurt gives her his most potent, well-practised glare. "Said she wanted to get to know one of the main players in the group better and to call her with the time and place. I just need to figure out a night when me, Tina and Artie can all make it."

Kurt almost shakes his head and rolls his eyes at how naive his boyfriend is. Clearly, this cheerleader wants nothing more than to sink her claws into him and parade around with the male lead of the famous, National champion school glee club as her arm candy. It's just too bad for her that Blaine is taken and decidedly doesn't bat for her team.

"Why are you hanging around with the teacher?" Dakota asks, arching a condescending eyebrow at Kurt. "Anyway, I was hoping you could make dinner at Breadstix, Friday at eight?"

"No, we can't do that," Blaine answers immediately. Kurt almost breathes a sigh of relief, thinking Blaine has at last realised Dakota's true intention, but has to restrain the urge to smack his head against the locker door in frustration when his boyfriend continues, "Artie mentors for a support group for paraplegic teens on Friday nights and Tina has her job at the hair salon. It needs to be a night we can all make it."

"Actually, I was hoping for a table for two," Dakota breathes seductively, making that horrible hot stab of jealously ripple through Kurt's veins, hands balling into fists at his sides. "You must know you're a very attractive man, Blaine Anderson. And I think we could be very good together. Glee club leads, cheerleader, boxer, we could be the power couple."

Kurt can't stand it any more, watching this girl hit on Blaine. It only conjures up awful memories he never wants to revisit. So he grabs Blaine by the shoulders and pushes him, a little too roughly so he'll have to apologise later, up against the lockers, claiming his mouth with hot, hungry kisses. "Wanted to do this all day," he breathes against Blaine's lips as Blaine's hand go instinctively to cup his hips, their mouths moving together in a sensual dance they've practiced for nearly eighteen months. Only when he traces the curve of Blaine's lower lip with his tongue in that way that always makes Blaine groan softly does he realise they're going much too far for the school hallways and pull back, panting and smiling as he leans his forehead against Blaine's.

"If there's anything else I can do for you, Ms. Freeman, don't hesitate to ask," he says politely, unable to keep the triumphant smirk off his face at the shocked look on Dakota's face. "Remember, I'm here to help and make sure you really become a key member of New Directions. Oh, and here's a little piece of advice, direct from me to you: if you really want to get on in this group, don't hit on those who are already very happily taken." He takes Blaine's hand, taking an evil relish in how vaguely upset and extremely stunned the cheerleader is. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to give my boyfriend a ride. Home, of course." He drops a wink to the stock-still girl as he drags Blaine along the corridors, pulling him out into the breezy evening with a grin splitting his face.

"Kurt, that was kind of bitchy," Blaine says disapprovingly. "If you'd let me explain, I could've turned her down gently instead of having you trying to make out with me like a couple of horny teenagers right in front of her, the poor girl."

"That poor girl was flirting blatantly with you right in front of me and I doubt there's one person in this school who doesn't know we're dating," Kurt says furiously. "And we _are_ a couple of horny teenagers, honey. Are you sure you can't come back to mine? There's a car waiting to be repaired in the garage that I can probably persuade Dad and Sam to go work on, and the two of us pooled our money to buy Carole noise-cancelling headphones for her birthday because of the new developments in Mercedes and Sam's relationship over summer."

"I really can't, Kurt," Blaine says in distress. "I wish I could, I really do, but I hardly ever get to see Cooper and I really miss him. And I need to play the overprotective older brother card with Nat's new boyfriend."

"It's okay, Blaine, I understand," Kurt reassures him, rubbing Blaine's shoulders to calm him down. "Call me before bed, though? It doesn't matter how late, I wanted to call Santana for a catch-up anyway, and I'll always be awake for you."

"Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting, or am I interpreting you wrongly again?" Blaine asks suspiciously, raising his eyebrow suggestively. Kurt smirks at him.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" He looks around for his car, which shouldn't really be quite so hard to find in a relatively empty car park. "We should find Tina, I don't trust that girl with a plant, never mind my car."

"You get so mean when you're jealous," Blaine observes as Kurt looks around and finally sees Tina leaning out of an open window, watching them with an evil smirk on her face. "I'd be terrified of you if I wasn't so in love with you."

"Clearly I'm not doing my job right if you're not scared of me," Kurt laughs, breaking into a run as he feels the whisper of a raindrop on his skin. "I love you too, or I wouldn't be so mean to people who flirt with you."

"Move it, Kurt, I'm an hour late home already and I'm supposed to be dancing around the kitchen to my mum's old ABBA CDs while we bake a cake for my cousin's birthday this weekend!" Tina yells as Blaine starts to pull Kurt in for another kiss. Kurt pulls back, smiling at his boyfriend and offering a middle finger to his friend the cockblock.

"You'll get more than that later," he promises with a smirk, and perhaps he does put a little more exaggeration into his hip sway as he walks towards his car. It's amazing, knowing he has a boyfriend who will stare shamelessly as he walks away.

The same boyfriend who'll whisper to him until the early hours of the morning, and when they both show up at school the next day with dark circles under their eyes and Tina's knowing smirks burnt into their skin, their eyes will meet as someone who only wants to be on top caterwauls their way through Circle of Life and Kurt will smirk and Blaine will smile and then Kurt will catch Dakota's eye and wink at her.

If the cheerleader happens to see the dark mark just above where Blaine's collar would've concealed, a mark Kurt had unfortunately been unable to hide due to the sudden shortage of concealer in his bathroom cabinet, well, it sucks for her.

* * *

*rubs hands together gleefully* He's such a bitch. And I love him for it.

As always, hope you enjoyed, and please, if you like this enough to favourite, please do not do so without leaving me a review.


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